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Her: How does she always know we鈥檙e taking her to the vet?
Him: I don鈥檛 know. Keep looking.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can鈥檛 fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I鈥檝e never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 馃槈
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Breaking news:
no!! no!!!!!!
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = 拢2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 馃檪 = 拢50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
lowe鈥檚 manager: so鈥ou want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm鈥ow about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.