“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.