Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.