the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself