Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.