First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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Y’all know who you are.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert