if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.