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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.