I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
You Might Also Like
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.