Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You Might Also Like
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.