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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Always 🥴
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”