what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Merica.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…