Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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Hard not to take this personally
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.