*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
doing some research
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”