My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
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Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Think I pulled my liver
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.