Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
doing your own taxes
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
what could possibly go wrong?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
peak technology
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.