Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times