Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Golf would be better with landmines.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Finished stitching this today 😇
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad