Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.