What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
You Might Also Like
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked