We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
The Book. The Movie.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.