[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!