馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i鈥檇 love it
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
sorry I can鈥檛 come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I鈥檓 going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Him: I鈥檓 thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don鈥檛 mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I鈥檓 thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You鈥檝e made your point
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won鈥檛 see those clothes again for several months.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you鈥檙e supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT鈥橲 WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.