Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax