TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
They got a point!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly