good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what