$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
They’re on their honeymoon
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.