ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.