Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store