My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Brother?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.