Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Swedish for common sense.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.