My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When your man makes a valid point
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I feel it
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.