Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
You Might Also Like
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I wish this was real life…
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.