fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
no such thing as a dumb question
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits