I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave