Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
house sitting!
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.