How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.