Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
socratic questions
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.