In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
mumsnet is amazing
I think this cat is broken
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*