It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
O Wise One….
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Don’t tell me what to do
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.