For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.