If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Don’t touch that.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.