Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Clients after you give them your rates
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.