Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.