What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere