My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
dam girl
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*