me opening up to someone
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.