Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
spot the difference
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.