boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You saw nothing. I am ham.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.