I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.